Education Reform for the Next Generation

Dear Headmaster,

Now that the initial visit of the research team responsible for the new edition of Hogwarts: A History has departed, I trust that my research assistant has restored your papers to you office. He informed me that he was unable to open the container in which you had stored them, as his unwarding and unsealing skills are not strong. I cannot say why I was moved to employ a Hufflepuff for this task.

C. Binns
Professor of History
Hogwarts School

p.s. if you do speak to the Archbishop of Canterbury, please send him my best regards and tell him I await his comments on that article, at his convenience of course. His office is a burden to him, I fear.

Dear Headmaster,

Is your intention to exorcise the Sorting Hat? That was tried, with no particular results, in 1487 and again in 1655. Or is your intention to exorcise the visiting research team? It's unusual to try mass exorcisms, but not entirely unheard of. I would be happy to discuss the relevant precedents with the exorcist, of course, in my capacity as Hogwarts Archivist.

Cuthbridge Binns
Professor of History
Hogwarts School

Dear Headmaster,

Please recall that my own research is on the causes of the Goblin Wars, in which Hogwarts played only a minor role, and of course Hogwarts documents from this century would be utterly irrelevant. What possible use could I have for copies of these documents?

Cuthbridge Binns
Professor of History
Hogwarts School

Dear Headmaster,

Please recall that the visiting scholars will have the use of the revelatoria spell to locate any and all documents located in your office. For example, the existence of any records pertaining to recent uses of the Sorting Hat which might have been stored temporarily somewhere in your office, awaiting transfer to the Hogwarts Archive, would be instantly and irrevocably revealed to them. Documents which might best await future editions of Hogwarts: A History rather than this upcoming new edition should, therefore, not be in your office when the research team is visiting. Nor in the Archive when the team meets with me there. Nor, above all, in the Restricted Section with all the other records pertaining to the Sorting Hat. Therefore my research assistant will bring your casket with the miniaturized documents back to your office at some point before bedtime tomorrow but after his Quidditch game.

Cuthbridge Binns
Professor of History
Hogwarts School

p.s. The research team will end up with copies of all the documents in your office, including all correspondence with all faculty members, no matter how informal or how recent. Unless it is burnt, of course.

Dear Headmaster Snape,

I am obligated to remind you that the researchers for the updated edition of Hogwarts: A History have scheduled a meeting with you in your office tomorrow at 12:45. After that they are scheduled to meet with Irma Pince in the Restricted Section of the Library, followed by a meeting with me in my capacity as Official Archivist. These very important meetings are intended to survey the available documents from the everyday running of the school, which will then be officially requisitioned for a special carrel in the Restricted Section so that the researchers may consult and copy them at their leisure. This schedule has been, so to speak, cast in bronze, if you take my meaning.

Sincerely,

Cuthbridge Binns
Professor of History
Hogwarts

You know, I just saw the queerest thing. There was someone who looked EXACTLY like Severus Snape heading in to the auxiliary staff floo.

Why an Auror would choose that disguise I've no idea. Too distinctive by half.

*lifts teapot lid*

What in buggery are the elves up to now?

*A small, discreet cough*

My entire first period class (second-year Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff) will require detention today from 7 to 8 as punishment for extremely disruptive activities with scarves. If there is darning or patching required anywhere in the school, that would be an appropriate chore to set them. Kindly remember what Mme. Pomfrey said at the last staff meeting about permanent injuries  however.

Binns

I appreciated our conversation in the castle recently. It put me in mind of the Proceedings of the First Annual Seminar of Dark Artisans in 1709, which was held, as you may recall, in that part of the castle which the Potions classroom and storehouse now occupies. You will hardly need reminding that it was also the last such meeting of its kind held anywhere on Hogwarts' grounds, or indeed in the British Isles. But do you recall the reason why?



*upon being read, the note crumbles into a very small pile of pale ash*

Hello? Mr. Weasley?

“No, I can’t possibly turn in this in. I’ll try again tomorrow”

*found, crumpled in the Gryffindor HoH fireplace*

To: Headmistress Umbridge
From: Prof. Priscilla Pettigrew
Date: April 1, 2010
Re: supporting documentation for Ministry record-keeping requirements


In response to your request for ongoing documentation to regarding our compliance regarding record-keeping, here is my report regarding today’s job performance.


PRISCILLA PETTIGREW, MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR AND HoH, GRYFFINDOR, HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY AND WITCHCRAFT


7:45-8:30 a.m. Breakfast in Great Hall (and thank you, Headmistress, for moving my seat to be next to yours! What a lovely surprise to find this morning at breakfast)

9:00-10:30 Third year Muggle Studies. Topic: Peculiarities of Muggle Educational Systems next time, do NOT allow Muggle-born students to bring examples of work from their former schools

10:30-12:00 p.m. Four year Muggle Studies. Topic: Muggle Methods of Cookery

(Headmistress, we must speak about a charm to keep House-elves out of the classrooms when demonstrations of domestic tasks are underway. The Muggle range would not have malfunctioned as it did, if they hadn’t interfered. I am certainly capable of managing Muggle technology on my own)

12:00-1:00 p.m. Lunch in Great Hall (and thank you, Headmistress, for the new diet that you instructed the House-elves to serve me. I’m sure I’ll be much slimmer in no time</i>)

1:00-2:30 Sixth year Muggle Studies. Topic: Galleons to Lira, Marks, and Francs: Converting Currency for Shopping in Muggle Shops outside of Britain

I must really find out what a Euro is, I suppose. Or perhaps drop those foreign Muggle places from the curriculum entirely

2:30-3:30 impromptu trip to Honeyduke’s Preparation for following day’s classes.

3:30-5:00 Office hours (Received a letter from the former Gryffindor HoH, Headmistress, inquiring about her former students. Forwarded same to Headmistress for response)

5:00-6:00 Inspection of Gryffindor. Discovered that two more students have filed requests for transcripts, prepatory to transferring to other institutions.

6:00-7:00 Supper in the Great Hall (and I agree, Headmistress, that wine with dinner is an entirely unnecessary luxury, after all)

7:30-8:30 Supervise N.E.W.T. students review session.

9:00 Inspect Gryffindor to ensure enforcement of curfew.

9:30-11 heavy drinking Marking, followed by preparation of this report

11-11:45 Personal time

*sound of footsteps, and the clink of a crystal decanter accompanied by a gentle glug, glug of liquid*

Colleagues - please remind the students that, no matter what new practices you have introduced into your classrooms, the standard for our classes is that students are not to interrupt lectures with such odd behaviors as shouting out questions or waving their hands about. They were quite uncontrollable today. It is to be hoped that such behaviors will not be repeated.

Door bursts open to reveal Rolf, clothes bloodstained and smelling of dung

Merlin, if those children harm another of my creatures-

Oh. I thought for sure someone would be in here.

a pause

Guess I might as well get cleaned up.

a sigh

footsteps

door closes

9:00 - 11:00 - Teach 632 GT
11:15 - 1:00 - Teach 632 GT
1:00 - 2: 00 - Great Hall
2:00 - 3:00 - show as Busy
3:00 - 4:00 - "Lab"438 RT
4:00 - 6:00 - show as Busy
6:00 - 7:00 - Great Hall
8:00 - 9:00 - Quo Vadis 26-29 Dean St
9:00 - () - show as Busy

To: Headmistress Umbridge
From: Prof. Priscilla Pettigrew
Date: March 15, 2010
Re: supporting documentation for Ministry record-keeping requirements


Thank you for the reminder on this matter, Headmistress. In response to your request for documentation reflecting our compliance with the Ministry’s requirements regarding record-keeping for schedules, I’ve appended a sample schedule for myself below.


PRISCILLA PETTIGREW, MUGGLE STUDIES PROFESSOR AND HoH, GRYFFINDOR, HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY AND WITCHCRAFT


7:45-8:30 a.m. Breakfast in Great Hall

9:00-10:30 Third year Muggle Studies. Topic: Recent Muggle innovations in lighting and heating---alternatives to torches, candles, and fireplaces

10:30-12:00 p.m. Four year Muggle Studies. Topic: Curious customs and oddities of the Muggle world

12:00-1:00 p.m. Lunch in Great Hall

1:00-2:30 Sixth year Muggle Studies. Topic: When is a Ministry not a Ministry? Muggle deviations from wizarding governance structures

2:30-3:30 Preparation for following day’s classes.

3:30-5:00 Office hours (1 inquiry regarding possible internship in Muggle Ministry, referred to Headmistress for further information; 1 inquiry regarding possible transfer of student to rival institution, referred to Headmistress for follow-up)

5:00-6:00 Inspection of Gryffindor dormitories and lavatories with House prefects; we took house elf assigned to House with us in order to point out areas where performance improvement might be desirable.

6:00-7:00 Supper in the Great Hall

7:30-8:30 Supervise N.E.W.T. students review session. Topic: Keeping track of Muggle fashions while maintaining personal decency: ‘jeans’ and ‘mini-skirts’

9:00 Inspect Gryffindor to ensure enforcement of curfew

9:30-11 Marking

11-11:45 Personal time

What? Oh. I'll fill this out tomorrow.

*files form under biscuit wrappers and crumbs in rubbish bin*

DAILY SCHEDULE March 15, 2010

6:00-7:00 Feeding, muck stalls, check on the hippogryff hatchling

7:00-7:15 Shower and dress

7:20-8:00 Breakfast in Great Hall

8:00-9:30 3rd year Gryffindors and Slytherins

9:30-12:00 Marking, check on hippogryff hatchling

12:00-1:00 Lunch in Great Hall

1:00-3:30 7th year NEWTS

3:30-4:00 Personal time

4:00-5:00 Meeting with Headmistress

5:00-6:00 Feeding, muck stalls, check on hippogryff hatchling

6:00-7:00 Dinner in Great Hall

7:00-8:30 Detentions

8:30-9:30 CoMC club meeting

9:30-11:30 Marking

11:30 Bed

DAILY SCHEDULE March 16, 2010

6:45-7.30 Personal affairs

7:45-8.30 Breakfast in the Great Hall.

9-10.30 Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw Divination (3rd year)

10.30-12 Gryffindor and Slytherin Divination (4th year)

12-1 Lunch in the Great Hall.

1-2 Office hours (1 inquiry concerning NEWTs project; 3 requests for counselling over unfair disciplinary action)

2-4 Class preparation time (first half cancelled due to extension of office hours and need to consult with Mr Filch)

4-5 Divination OWLs study group (

5-6 Supper in the Great Hall

6-7 Inquire after welfare of students previously seeking counselling

7-8 Marking (3rd year final essays; 4.5/19 completed)

8-11/11.30 Personal affairs (incorporating completion of this exercise)

DAILY SCHEDULE March 16, 2010

6:00-6:45 Repeatedly hit snooze button on the alarm clock Lavender gave me for Christmas

6:55 Hex the bloody thing into oblivion

7:15 Stagger out of bed and into the shower

7:35 Get dressed. Reparo clock again.

7:55 Breakfast in the Great Hall. Take the coffee Lavender hands me with JOY as she leaves for her first lecture and reflect on how lucky I am to have the best girlfriend friend dating partner girl I kiss and take out girlfriend (?) ever, even if I still can’t get into her knickers.

9-12 Try not to kill various idiot Hufflepuffs who are incapable of casting a defencive charm . Or the Ravenclaws who insist upon knowing why something is a Dark Art and refuse to accept the explanation that it just bloody is, damn it, now sit down and shut it before I cast a Stitching Charm on their lips.

12-1 Lunch. Attempt to coax Lavender into calling off her afternoon lectures and either a) go back to my quarters for a bit of pashing (not v. likely) or b) hiding out in the kitchens from The Pink Cow and letting the elves stuff us with tea and those scrummy chocolate eclairs.

1-5:00 AVOID THE PINK COW AT ALL COSTS. (Even if this means lecturing to the little beasts, damn it.)

5-6 Supper in the Great Hall early enough to not have to sit near The Pink Cow and hear her slurp her soup. It's enough to put one off one's meal.

6-7 Attend to Slytherin issues. Threaten them if necessary.

7-8 Mark essays in my quarters; give all the Ravenclaws Es instead of Os just to watch their heads explode. Refuse to attempt to correct the grammar and spelling mistakes in the Gryffindor essays.

8:00 Show up at Lavender's quarters with a bottle of wine and a stack of essays and suggest we mark together.

8:15-11 Mark essays mindlessly while attempting to coax Lavender into bed. Settle for a bit of kissing on the sofa.

11 Be sent back to my quarters without getting anywhere near a certain set of knickers. Or bra, for that matter. Finish the half-bottle of wine leftover from last night and gloomily decide that I'm destined to die alone and celibate.

11:30 Give in to maudlinity and put on that awful Celestina Warbeck album no one knows I have.

11:45 Sing mournfully along to The Fwooper Love Song.

12 Fall into bed, pathetically clutching an empty wine bottle for company.